Cervical Cancer Is Giving Me Multiple Personalities

I consider myself to be a genuinely nice person...sometimes so nice there have been times in my life where I felt more like a doormat than a human being. It takes a lot to make me angry. I don't have a "Mom" voice. The idea of having to discipline another person is out of my realm of comprehension.  I always thought my inability to discipline is why God never gave me children. He tried giving me two cats, who have taught me unconditional love, but they know no rules and have no boundaries. I didn't pass the "Hey, you're going to do what I tell you to do" test. That voice has been one I've heard from various people in my life, but never once had I heard it from myself.  That is, until cancer decided to set up shop in my cervix and lymph nodes.

I've got two new friends living inside my body I never knew were there.  And I love them. Here's how I found them.  Monday (2/4/2013) I woke up feeling great! If you read my last post, "Your Prayers Are Working," you'll know why.  I went to my radiation treatment where the techs gave me a new nickname: "Happy Hour!"  I was feeling really strong and very much like my healthy Self.

Because I'm going through chemotherapy, I get my blood drawn once a week to make sure I'm healthy enough to take in the Cisplatin. I've got my favorite "vampire" at the lab because she's always had success with my veins. I was happy to see her, but this time my veins didn't cooperate. She finally got one, but it was not without a lot of pain, bruising, and frustration.

I used to have bad veins, but ever since I started working out they've been awesome. Since the doctors do not want me to get my heart rate up I'm no longer exercising, but I diligently I stay very hydrated and bring a blanket to keep myself warm - two tips I learned to make blood draws easier. Lately, however, that hasn't been enough for success with the chemo IV's or or the blood draws. It's a strange sensation. My mind fully believes I am already completely healed, but my body doesn't respond the way my mind feels.  So when the blood draw became such a challenge, and I was only heading into week two of treatment, I freaked out a little bit. I got scared that my body was already going downhill this early in the game. I was also really sad thinking "this is just the beginning." Suddenly, I felt a feeling I don't recall ever experiencing organically.  It was strong and thunderous and determined. And it said in a very commanding voice: "Not fear, FIERCE!"

That's when I met her:  my inner Diva! Oh how I love this woman within me. She sizzles with fire. She walks tall and proud in giant platform heels like there are a thousand men walking behind her, and she owns every word she says. She even uses cuss words! And she is determined to stomp any cancer cell out of my body. She says all day long, "This is my house! You don't belong here!" Then she stomps, kicks, flicks her long sexy hair back with her arms crossed in front of her Amazonian body and says, "Now get the f*ck out!" (Author's side note:  Just so you know, prior to discovering my Diva, the only four-letter word I used in a derogatory way was "Math!") Anyway my Diva loves powerful Flamenco music and Reggaeton. She hits it hard and with passion and she is taking no prisoners. Honestly, if I were a cancer cell, I would be afraid to come anywhere near this body. So for all my sweet friends who want to kick their doormat status to the curb, I hope my Diva inspires you. With apologies to my dad, here she is:

Along with my Diva, I also discovered a Drill Sergeant living within my body. I call him "Mr. Clean" because he looks just like Mr. Clean from the commercials. He's got a reddish face, a shiny bald head, Schwarzenegger-like physique, and he yells. Mr. Clean only comes out when I find myself worrying about chemo, and he just has one thing to say shout:

CHEMO?  We Eat Chemo For Breakfast!!!

I'm not making this stuff up, you guys (and I'm not on any pain meds either), these voices really are part of the new, improved, Laurie!

Thanks for all the love! You, my friends and family, are saving my life with your support! I love you all.

PS - To all my Diva friends out there, I'm challenging you to a Diva Dance-Off once the cancer sh** is out of the way!  I'm talking to you: Michael Burgos.

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